Category Archives: acceptance

living into “YES!”

(Hi friends I have yet to meet. My name is GARMIN and I am thinkpeace’s newest intern. My bio can be found on the “about us” page. I’d love to hear from you– email me at garmin@thinkpeaceworkshop.org)

“All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you’re not good enough or strong enough or talented enough; they will say you’re the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no, until all the no’s become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly. AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES.”

Last week, in one of my grad education classes, the teacher asked the class to journal about the following question: “How do you motivate yourself?” A seemingly daunting question with the potential to add a lot of educational jargon, I dove right in. If there is one thing I’m really good at, it’s motivating- both myself and others.

I wish I had a fun, silly, engaging story to tell you about how I learned to motivate myself and others… alas, I don’t. I have a series of small events where people consistently told me “No”. And I told them, “YES! Just watch me!”

The first doctor I visited after I received my diagnosis of a herniated disk in my back told me I would never be able to walk again if I had surgery. 6 months after surgery (from a different doctor) I ran my first ½ marathon. 1 year after that I ran my first marathon. Guess what I said when the first doctor told me I would never walk again? “Just watch me.” During my time at Emma Willard School many people doubted I would ever graduate from high school or go to a good college. “Just watch me,” I said. Now graduated and in one of the best art schools in the country, I think I won that battle. My gym teacher in high school said I would never be fit. “Just watch me” followed that conversation; here I am 100 pounds lighter. Two falls ago, the head of the “academic” department in my school told me that I couldn’t possibly handle a 4000 level class as a second year. Again, “just watch me.” I got my advisor to sign off on an alternate path for my degree, and here I am, the only person in the entire class who received an A. After my car accident last January the police officer that arrived on the scene told me I should be dead. I’m here, happily alive.

You see, we wake up every morning and we have a choice: to live in possibility and say “yes, bring it on” or to let it defeat us. We must take care of ourselves first in order to be the best global change maker girls we can possibly be. We need to show up to ourselves and our lives with enthusiasm and zest. And personally, I think living in possibility and the YES! is way more fun.

And so I present GARMIN’S tips to motivating yourself and living in possibility.

1. Make your bed each morning.
I know. I know. Who wants to make their bed??? Nobody. Let me tell you, coming home to a freshly made bed to climb into at night makes all your hard work during the day so much more rewarding because you don’t have to fight with covers.

2. Find ritual and sacred space.
For me it is my morning routine. God help you if you interrupt me while I’m drinking my first cup of coffee. And it is my Sunday night paint-your-toes-and-watch-a-chick-flick mojo builder. Find your sacred spaces– those places that help ground you and keep you moving in an upward unrelenting forward motion. It could be a physical place, or an emotional space. Maybe it’s your morning run or your yoga practice or journaling or even reading a good book.

3. Sing.
No. Really go sing. Sing in the shower. Sing when you’re making your breakfast, running, walking to class, lying in bed, driving in the car or on the bus, and when you are adventuring. Just sing. My therapist friend says that singing actually stimulates our memory and it releases the good chemicals that make you happy. Below is one of my PowerGirl playlists. Consider making your own!

live into the “YES!” PowerGirl from sarah.gettman on 8tracks Radio.

4. Sort out your priorities.
Is it really that important that you wear matching clothes? I don’t know what the things you struggle with in your life are, but try bringing ease to them. Ask yourself if they are that important… let the things that you dream about come to the top of your priorities list.

5. Finally, if all else fails, watch youtube videos of other people living into their own possibility.

It’s really that simple. Change is choice. Your choices lead to possibility and could make your every step more monumental. So go forth PowerGirl– live in possibility!!!

on feeling it deep in our bones

 

by Kelly Himsl Arthur and Remy Arthur

The One Million Bones challenge mobilized students worldwide to make bones as a symbol of solidarity with victims and survivors of ongoing conflict in places like the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) and Somalia. Every handmade bone generated $1 from the Bezos Family Foundation for CARE’s work in these regions, up to $500,000! On June, 8,  2013, one million handmade bones – made by students, educators and artists – covered the National Mall in Washington, D.C. as part of a massive art installation and visual petition against humanitarian crises.

For nearly 2 years thinkpeace girls from California to New York and DC to Germany learned and talked about past and present genocides and other mass crimes against humanity. We made bones at club meetings, camps, weekend workshops, and at home, contributing nearly 5000 clay, plaster, and recycled paper bones to the One Million Bones Project. We embraced every chance we had to share this project and cause with others and encourage them to join us. We talked with people in parks, at churches, at the Museum of Tolerance, at schools and online… educating, creating dialogue, and providing space for reflection. We thought we had our heads kind of wrapped around the enormity of the deaths and atrocities as we laid our bones with others in a state installation last April. In reality… that was nothing compared to what lay ahead.

In June a few of us thinkpeace girls packed up our books to study for final exams on the road to Washington, DC, worried about getting swept away in Tropical Storm Andrea, yet determined to be a part of the installation the next day on the National Mall. Eager to represent the thinkpeace community, we donned our white clothes and headed over to the Mall. On the way we listened to the message Desmond Tutu sent to the participants. We were so moved by his words: “It is my hope that these bones will transform us to a place of greater understanding and compassion and inspire us to act.” They had certainly done that for us.

YouTube Preview Image

One of our German thinkpeace sisters, Serah, was so deeply affected when she created a baby’s rib cage from clay. With each rib she sculpted she felt the heaviness deeper and deeper in her heart. She knew that she needed to do something, to take action. She returned from camp eager to get involved in her school’s Amnesty International Club. Genocide awareness became her passion to share. Another thinkpeace girl, Chantel, was inspired to take action at her school, too, bringing the issue of genocide to the Model United Nations program. Wherever we talk about genocide, we are met with such shock and disbelief. We find that most people we talk to have no idea that it is still going on! We are often met with comments like, “yes, we learned a lot from World War II– that’ll never happen again.” or “No, that kind of thing ended a long, long time ago.” or “That’s how those countries are… there’s nothing we can do about it.”

We can bear witness! We can demand action from our governments and theirs. We can use our voices and our hands, our words and our actions to create real change. We must. For if not we, then who? We believe in ‘Ubuntu’- That each individual’s humanity is inextricably linked to one another’s. As Desmond Tutu said, “Your joy is my joy; your sorrow is my sorrow. We must raise each other up lest we all sink down.”

Together with UPS workers (who volunteered their time for this!), teachers, artists, religious scholars, children, mothers and more, we laid thousands and thousands of bones that Saturday in June, feeling the weight deeper in our own bones. We had talked often about how underneath our differences (skin color, religious or political beliefs, gender, sexuality, etc.) we are all made up of the same stuff and what is left behind are bones. And they all look pretty much the same.  Seeing them in giant piles lining the National Mall was painful. The piles looked like mass graves. There were so many bones. So many.  One by one we placed a bone on the grass in front of the United States Capitol. The most beautiful, yet haunting music was being played by Amy Ziff, that sounded like soft cries. It rained, then it was hot and very humid. We weren’t making a dent in the piles. It just seemed endless. And it hit us… the realization that it isn’t ending. That more real bones are being thrown onto piles, encountered along dusty hot roads in far away places, with no real thought as to whose bones they are– is it a child’s? A mother’s? A son’s? A grandfather’s? A teacher’s? Who is being killed today and left behind to become nothing but bones? Every bone is not only “the evidence of a unique individual journey” but also “the evidence of a collective journey– a story shared of the human experience.” (Tutu) Our human experience should be full of possibility and hope, peace and understanding. Once we are bones it is too late. We must come together now.

One million bones is just a number. It’s not anywhere close to the number of actual deaths by genocide in the last 70 years. Estimates range anywhere from 30 to 70 million people who have died in genocides around the world, from World War II to present day. Yes, present day. When we packed up the thinkpeace contribution for the One Million Bones installation (thank you UPS for picking them up and calling when they arrived!) we thought we had a lot of bones. When we started laying them on the National Mall, we thought, Wow! So many bones! A million! And then… when we took a step back to take it all in we were overwhelmed. Remy couldn’t breathe for a moment… the emotions hit hard. Imagining 30-70 times as many bones just wasn’t something she could wrap her head around. The tears fell softly and the hurt was felt deeply. To have created this symbolic mass grave, understanding that it represents a mere fraction of the victims of hatred and intolerance in this world has left us aching. And wanting to keep doing the work.  Using our voices and our hands, our own courage, compassion and wisdom. We stood for a long moment arm in arm, shoulder to shoulder, absorbing the bones on the Mall. We are a global family. Together we stand. We feel it, deeply.

on practicing peace from within

It happens… someone does something or says something which triggers a reaction of anger, sadness, frustration, disbelief. Some times I am able to take a breath and let it go. Some times my reaction is tears or yelling, sulking or slamming doors. Some times I blame the other person, want revenge, or even blame myself. It’s all destructive. These are the moments that provide us with real opportunities to create peace, within ourselves and with others.

Life gives us so many chances to practice peace: just yesterday I had several interactions which let me exercise my peace muscles! I wish I could tell you that I succeeded each time, and I guess in some ways I did. It’s not that I was able to stop my reactions. I cried in frustration, I yelled in anger, I slammed a door to release my feelings. And then I breathed. I mean really breathed. With each breath I felt stronger and more curious and created a softer place in my heart. It takes pausing our own reactions to open up the space to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.

WE’RE IN THE SAME PLACE

“I try to practice what I preach; I’m not always that good at it, but I really do try. The other night, I was getting hard-hearted, closed-minded, and fundamentalist about somebody else, and I remembered this expression that you can never hate somebody if you stand in their shoes. I was angry at him because he was holding such a rigid view. In that instant I was able to put myself in his shoes and I realized, “I’m just as riled up, and self-righteous and closed-minded about this as he is. We’re in exactly the same place!” And I saw that the more I held on to my view, the more polarized we would become, and the more we’d be just mirror images of one another—two people with closed minds and hard hearts who both think they’re right, screaming at each other. It changed for me when I saw it from his side, and I was able to see my own aggression and ridiculousness.”  (Pema Chodron, Practicing Peace in Times of War)

Yes, I let anger/hurt/frustration into my heart yesterday. Through breath work I was able to quiet my reactions and ask “what could be going on for the other person?” “what frustrations led him to this point?” “what does she need for her spirit today?” Working through those ideas kept me from hardening. These were simple every-day-type scenarios. On a larger scale, in times of conflict, it is this hardening that creates hatred and prejudice.  War happens because we harden our hearts against each other. Why do differences create fear and hatred? If we can put ourselves in another’s shoes, no matter how different, we can begin to understand and not feel the fear, hurt, and anger. Embracing understanding and empathy keeps those feelings from tightening our beings and yet practicing this openness in our everyday lives takes work and support.

It takes being aware of another person’s external signals. If I had noticed the tight jaw, closed fists and the lack of eye contact maybe I would have realized that there was an issue that happened before my interaction that perhaps had nothing to do with me. In the moment that my reaction created a tightening and hardening within me, I needed to concentrate on keeping my breathing steady. Seriously, try it! There are other times when these signals aren’t obvious. Perhaps it’s simply that you want something from someone who just isn’t getting it. Instead of hearing, “What can I do for you?” you hear “I’m too busy to give anything to you.”  The messages we play in our own heads can create a chain reaction that results in conflict.  Verbalizing our feelings of disappointment or frustration can seem self-centered or  judgmental. So we make assumptions and tighten up.  I shut down when this happens, which doesn’t give the other person the opportunity to hear me or help me. In addition, it means that I have decided that my needs are either more important or less important. The same result happens: it’s me against you… war. The way for me to keep ease within myself is to look beyond my self and into someone else. It doesn’t mean that my needs aren’t important or my feelings don’t matter. It simply means that we all matter and your needs are equally as important as mine. When I walk in your shoes, I invite you to walk in mine.

Imagine.

“If we want there to be peace in the world, we have to be brave enough to soften what is rigid in our hearts, to find the soft spot and stay with it. We have to have that kind of courage and take that kind of responsibility. That’s the true practice of peace.” (Pema Chodron, Practicing Peace in Times of War)

on being wholehearted 3: joyfulness

“Joy comes to us in moments– ordinary moments.  We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.” -Brene Brown

I was on a business call today when the person I was speaking with told me about a recent conversation she had with an old acquaintance.  She said, “It was one of the best hours of my life!”  I think I stopped breathing for a moment.  What was I feeling?  I was taken aback by this thought that one of the best moments of someone’s life was… a conversation!  I loved it.  She’s accomplished much in her life, is well-respected and has an important job. She’s a mom, a daughter, a wife, a humanitarian.  And one of her best hours was simply a connection shared with another.

What brings us joy or a true sense of peace isn’t in the big showcase moments of our lives. Those are fleeting moments.  Joy is that thing that washes over you when you least expect it that makes you feel warm, lit from within, and hopeful.  As my friend Jeanne says, “What matters is crying until your eyes are clear enough to see goodness… everywhere.” Practicing compassion, feeling worthy, and being connected are components of wholehearted living,  which gives you a sense of joyfulness, even in the darkest times.  I was having a really bad day recently, the kind that makes you just want to go back to bed, curled up in a ball or engaged in some numbing behavior… the kind that makes you oblivious to ordinary joys.  Yet somehow, in the midst of my sad moment, I looked out the window and saw the sun light up a golden-leaved tree and the wind give her movement that was truly a celebration dance.  I couldn’t believe it.  It was such a vision of life– of warmth and expression, grace and light.  An ordinary moment made extraordinary.  And I realized that I felt joy.  I felt a surge of self-compassion and an overwhelming connection with the Earth, and I saw the goodness.

Another kind of darkness was revealed this week following the re-election of President Obama.  I have found it hard to handle the negative energy swirling around this country.  It seems that people are either really happy or really angry.  Personally I cannot feel joyful when the very vocal bitterness I have witnessed seems so absolute and determined.  How can we move forward as a country committed to peace when we are at war with one another?  I don’t believe that the ‘war against women’ or marriage equality or affordable healthcare can be worked through without a true coming together, or wholeheartedness fully expressed.  The issues we face must be faced together, with respect and courage, vulnerability and compassion, and a real willingness to think not just of ourselves, but of each other as well.  Celebrating our commonalities and understanding our differences with acceptance is truly the only way through the darkness.  Is it possible?  What will it take?  It will take peace, love, and understanding.  It will take a commitment to listen and to speak and to value each other.  It will take seeing the goodness.  It will take connection.

Oh, I just got a good feeling!  It feels like… joyfulness.  It’s not about chasing the extraordinary.  It’s about slowing down for an ordinary conversation, with the whole heart; a conversation and connection that fills us up and gives us ‘the best hour’ of our lives. There is infinite power in the light within each of us that comes from joyfulness.  This is the real strength, real power, that will effect change.  The change the world needs to see.   It starts with you.  And me.

Imagine!

 

 

on being wholehearted 2: imperfection

“What do you mean, you cry more than you laugh?  What’s WRONG with you???”  After admitting this personal “flaw” in last week’s post about wholeheartedness, being vulnerable and self-acceptance and compassion, I have been defending my revelations about myself daily.  I find this totally ironic.  It’s an interesting thing, this idea that there is a “right” or “healthy” way to be, implying that the flipside of that is “wrong” or “unhealthy”.  Just how much do we judge other people’s emotional responses and, if we are the ones being judged, does this effect how much we let people in, to know us as we really are… is it just easier to put on our facebook image of ourselves living the “perfect” life?  The truth is that in order to live truly wholeheartedly, we need to let go of perfection and embrace imperfection, in ourselves and each other.

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” – Anna Quindlen

We live in a world where we are being bombarded by messages of what perfect looks like.  Perfect is skinny, but not too skinny.  Perfect is being a star athlete.  Perfect is being popular.  Perfect is straightened hair.  Perfect is straight As.  Perfect is having money and the best/latest of everything.  Perfect is having a boyfriend.  Perfect is a constant smile and laughter.  Perfection has us pushing ourselves harder and harder to achieve/not disappoint/fit in/like ourselves.  When we can’t quite get there we tend to either blame others or believe that we simply are not good enough.  What if we could fly higher and be more if we let go of perfection?

Yes, it’s hard to embrace imperfection.  Those voices can sometimes take over in your head saying, “What if nobody likes me?  What if people think I’m not enough?” Girls, in particular, seem to have a hard time with this. In our effort to be sure we’re enough, sometimes we ask for criticism.  The “truth is” and “spill it” requests we make on facebook say: please, tell me you like me, know me, see me.  These love fests and hate attacks are two sides of the same coin: looking for approval from others.  Meanness always hurts and superficial niceness can’t take away our own feelings of inadequacy.  The problem is, if we don’t care what other people think and shield ourselves from hurt, we’re also not really communicating.  It takes courage to be ourselves, to face criticism and stay vulnerable if we really want to be connected.  Being who we are is the greatest gift we can share with another being.  By owning our imperfections we say to someone else, “See? I get it– we’re all imperfect.  We all struggle.  We all are enough!”

“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”  -Leonard Cohen

a thinkpeace girl embracing her imperfections!

Truth is, I’m really okay with being an emotional creature!  I do laugh.  I just cry a lot too… not just from sadness or exhaustion, but from beauty and kindnesses, puppy kisses and proud moments.  My emotional being is one of my cracks. There is nothing wrong with me. Instead of trying to plaster over our cracks and make everything look right, see the beauty that comes from the light that shines from us when we are lit from within.  It’s the light that seeps out of us and draws us to one another.  It’s warm, comforting, true, and even electrifying!  Shine on, sisters!  You are beautiful.  Who you are is so totally enough, imperfections and all.

 

on being wholehearted

I sat down last weekend to write this post on being wholehearted.  As I started writing, more and more things came up for me that sent me an an emotional roller coaster.  Ups, downs, twists and turns, and those always fun corkscrews had a hold of me and I had to stop writing and just be.  As a result of spending time riding what I refer to as The Gut Crusher (aka The HeartBreaker or The Doom Bringer), I’ve decided to write about wholeheartedness in three sections:  Compassion, Imperfection, and Joyfulness. It’s all about peace…

“Be yourself.”  Teenage girls, in particular, seem to be given these words of advice daily.  There are probably temporary tattoos that say these words, as well as t-shirts and jewelry.  Teen magazines toss it out like it’s the sagest wisdom and the answer to all your problems.  There’s just one thing.  Do you know yourself?  How do you learn who you are when your days are filled with classes and homework, sports, theatre and dance and your image on facebook is about as much as most people really know about you.  If you’re like most teenage girls, you’re struggling sometimes with your mom, worried about your body, and thinking that today matters more than tomorrow.  No one has taught you how to know yourself.  Your family, and perhaps your religion, have taught you values.  But who YOU are is your own creation, based on your experiences, fears, hopes, actions, reactions and so much more.  Who you are and who you are trying to become is a journey, a road taken with no destination in sight, because as human beings, we are constantly changing.  And so, I think, that more important than being yourself is loving yourself.

Do you have insecurities and worries?  When you walk into a room full of people that you don’t know, does it feel like everyone is looking at you, judging you?  Do you have those moments when you just don’t feel good enough?  Guess what?  You are not alone.  You are gloriously imperfect.  So am I.  I worry about what people think of me.  I really need to lose 20 lbs.  I’m not sleeping well and it shows.  My house is drowning in clutter.  I’m frequently late.  I forget things all the time and can never find my glasses or my car keys.  I don’t work hard enough and I also work too hard.  I cry probably more than I laugh.  I worry about everything from the election and women’s rights to what the ER doctor would say if I were wheeled in with all the holes in my socks showing.  All these things make me imperfect.  What will people say if they see my imperfection?  Will I be unworthy of their love, their friendship, their respect?  What if… I Am Unworthy?

The more that we believe that we are unworthy, the less capable we are of fully connecting with ourselves and others.  That makes loving ourselves pretty darn hard.  This is where I hit when my roller coaster ride went from that fabulous place of the sweet, slow uphill climb to the sudden plummet into the darkness.  I started reading a lot about the importance of self-compassion.  I even took an online quiz.  Omg, I have issues. (unworthy)  Before writing this post I believed in this definition of compassion:

Noun: Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others

Others…  what about the self?  What does it mean to practice (verb) self-compassion?  How do you care for yourself when you feel like running instead?  When you shut down or think about hurting yourself are you thinking about your suffering or about numbing it or wishing it away?  There are so many ways we continue to beat ourselves up:  overeating, undereating, drugs, alcohol, cutting, sex, shopping, overworking, zoning out online…  As we all know, none of these “fixes” make things really right.  We can’t ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. When we practice self-compassion, we have to acknowledge the darkness.  The Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron writes:  “Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others.  Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”  In other words, all that stuff that’s telling you that you aren’t good enough is being experienced by others too.  We are ALL in this together and if we can connect and share our darkness, we will be able to also feel and celebrate the lightness.

When you feel compassion for someone else, it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of our shared human experience.  Self-compassion means being able to say to yourself, “I’m having a really hard time right now, how can I care for myself in this moment?” It means that you are kind and understanding to yourself.  You may try to change in ways that let you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are unworthy or unacceptable. Having compassion for yourself means that you accept yourself as is, a work in progress. Things won’t always go the way you want them to. You’ll screw up, say or do the “wrong” thing, and fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us.

Here’s a hard thing for me.  “Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings aren’t suppressed or exaggerated.”  By observing our thoughts and emotions with openness and a non-judgmental perspective, we can see them as they really are.  Personally I have a tendency to go downhill hard and fast where I suddenly find myself convinced that my problems are the biggest, baddest ever!  That’s the roller coaster effect.  Life in the extreme.  But what if… I shared my story?  What if by telling someone else about my suffering, I gave them the opportunity to tell me I’m really not alone on the ride, with the biggest, baddest issues!

Here’s my suggestion to you (and to me) the next time you feel that stomach-churning drop from the tippy-top of your roller coaster:  find a safe place to land and tell your story.  Find someone who will truly embrace you for your strengths and your struggles.  Now, the hard part.  It has to be the right person.  Facebook and twitter just aren’t the places to seek compassion.  If we’re truly looking for connection, the kind that will go to that vulnerable place with us, with no need to fix it or judge it, we have to find that person who will make sure we feel seen, heard, and valued.  Trust me when I tell you:  YOU WILL NOT FIND THAT ONLINE.  Reach out.  Practice compassion, for yourself as well as others.  Give and receive with an open heart.  A whole heart.

Namaste.

on being a thinkpeace boy

After watching “Pray the Devil Back to Hell” last spring I found myself feeling a lot of bitterness towards men. Over and over again I was being bombarded by stories of men at war, men in power struggles, men inflicting violence against women, men denying basic human rights to girls, men unwilling to sit at the peace table.  I was beginning to wonder… what would it take for a feminine wave to crash over the world, turning centuries of patriarchal ways upside down… and out?  The answer came to me from a boy child.  A boy saying loud and clear: “I want to be a part of the solution too. See the future in me!”  And, with that, I was on a mission to find some role models for my son, dudes who were, as photographer and GirlUp activist Nigel Barker would say, truly “manning up” for girls and women.  “Girls, girls, girls… that’s all you ever talk about.”  “What about boys?”  We hear this kind of thing a lot at thinkpeace workshop for girls.  Some people blatantly roll their eyes.  Some say, “A girl in this country is lucky. She can do anything.”  Some say, “Boys have it harder.”  We say,  FACT:  worldwide, historically and currently, girls’ voices are not heard.  Girls are not given the same opportunities as boys.  Girls are too often the casualties and victims of male-created wars. We say, IT’S TIME:  for a new way of thinking, a new way of understanding, a new way of communicating, and new way of sharing. We say, JOIN US.

In late Spring my son decided that he wanted his 10th birthday party to be a benefit for GirlUp, a United Nations Foundation campaign which raises awareness and funds for programs that help some of the world’s hardest-to-reach adolescent girls.  With the help of his sisters and their friends, he threw an amazing party where 30 kids traveled around the world, learning about the issues facing girls in developing countries. After the party one friend wrote a blog post about it.  His is a voice of hope for the future: 

“The party was a lot of fun and it felt good to learn new things and also be part of the solution. This party really made me think and thinking is the start.

I like the vision of Girl Up . . .

Girl Up envisions a world where all girls around the world, have the opportunity to become educated, healthy, safe, counted and positioned to be the next generation of leaders.

I am glad I “Boy’d Up” for Girl Up and I would love to see all children of this world have the same basic opportunities.  Thanks B for opening my eyes!”

Hm, I thought… boys care. But who, besides the obvious (Desmond Tutu, Bono, George Clooney) can show my son and his friends that caring about girls and women is not only important, but also kinda cool?  Enter Justin Reeves, Director of NGO Partnerships, 10x10act.org.

Justin’s experience working in development in Latin America has been refined working as a journalist and humanitarian throughout Ecuador, Argentina and Chile. Most recently, he has focused his humanitarian work on women and children living with HIV/AIDS and his production work on women marginalized by mental illness in Chile. Joining forces with 10×10 aligns with his vision that empowering and educating girls and women is the key to a more harmonious world. 

Justin and I met at a GirlUp event in NYC last year and I immediately knew that he was one of the good guys.  As he slipped a ring on my finger and asked me to say “I do… take a stand against child marriage” I smiled.  There really are incredible men out there standing up for women and girls.  Regular men.  Not just actors, activists, and politicians.  Justin is a really cool dude with compassion flowing through his veins.  I asked him for advice on educating boys and I can’t wait to go there with a posse of young hopefuls! Justin is an amazing role model for boys!

While I was flying high from connecting with Justin, another hero came along.  Meet Gavin Weston, author of the book, Harmattan.  Gavin and I quickly became “twitter friends” with like-minded goals, especially for ending the practice of child marriage.  I asked him to share his journey with me and my son:

“As a former aid worker (with Africare) I have had a strong interest in humanitarian issues for as long as I can remember, particularly in relation to Niger. When my children were very young it struck me that ‘sponsoring’ a child through an NGO would be an effective way of both doing something constructive and ensuring that my children gained some understanding of the huge disparities that life can throw up.

Over the next few years we communicated regularly with my ‘sponsored daughter’ (as six year-old Ramatou referred to herself) and, perhaps naively, I assumed that we would maintain contact. It was, then, a great shock – especially to my daughter – when we discovered that Ramatou had been married off by her family, just before her twelfth birthday. We never heard from her again. My daughter had just turned thirteen and was particularly upset by the development. I suggested that she write about it for a school project, little realising quite how much it was niggling away inside me too.

One evening (at a meeting of my Writer’s Club) an American writer made the sweeping statement, ‘men can’t write as women’. I disagreed with her strongly and soon afterwards sat down to attempt to write something from a solely female perspective, initially perhaps just to prove her wrong. When I read out what became the prologue to ‘Harmattan’, and listened to people’s responses, I soon realised that I had started something that had to be completed. I realised that writing a novel from a first person perspective might be an opportunity to ‘give voice’ to the millions of underage girls who are married off every year, a problem that many people find just too difficult to read about in fact sheets or newspapers. I was well aware that this might be perceived as arrogance, on several levels, (not least in terms of culture, race and gender). How could a middle-aged European man express the feelings and experiences of a twelve year-old West African girl? To achieve any kind of success I knew that I had to really try to ‘inhabit’ my character, Haoua. Hardly surprising, then, that over the next five years I frequently dreamt about both her and her family as if they were real people whom I actually knew.

When I began my research in earnest there was not a lot of information readily available on child marriage. However, thankfully there are now quite a few organisations and individuals working diligently to bring about an end to this disturbing practice. I am bolstered to hear Archbishop Desmond Tutu declaring that ‘We can end child marriage now!’ and that addressing the issue is as important to him as apartheid was. However, I think that there is a long way to go before we can convince not just governments, but village elders and even women (in some areas) that education for girls is much more beneficial than early marriage and servitude.

So far, I have been surprised at how positively my book has been received, although by its nature there is still resistance to it. (It is not a ‘sexy’ topic and ‘Harmattan’ is clearly neither easy reading or a coffee table book.) I am discovering that most men simply don’t wish to acknowledge the subject. Many of my male friends have been supportive in terms of buying the book and slapping me on the back for my achievement, but few are willing to actually engage in an in depth conversation about how we can bring about real change on a global and societal scale. This saddens me, because although I can write and articulate certain aspects of these horrors, I am lacking in other skills (political, business skills etc.) that are, I feel, essential in terms of mustering a global ‘movement’ that dovetails with what other organisations are doing. I intend to continue campaigning to end child marriage in whatever way I can.”

I encourage you all to read this book and join us on our mission to end the practice of child marriage. 

So now my son had a couple of heros to look up to who were ‘manning up’ for women and girls.  He was feeling empowered.  He realized that there was a community of males out there wanting to be a part of the solution too.  Go ahead, ask him to tell you about a young man named Andrew.  Pull up a chair…

pastedGraphic.pdf

“Andrew is proof that guys know why Girl Up matters.  At a health clinic in Blantyre, Malawi, 21-year-old Andrew is a volunteer youth health counselor. He’s got a busy schedule because he’s the only youth counselor at the clinic. The clinic helps hundreds of girls get the information they need for all of their general health needs.

It’s his passion for helping others that brings Andrew to the clinic in his spare time. Andrew feels a responsibility to his community and an interest in promoting good health, especially for young people. As the only youth counselor — and a young man — it took some time for Andrew to gain the trust of the girls coming to the clinic. But as he has guided the girls over time, they have in turn spread the word that Andrew is trustworthy and that he can help them live healthier lives. Now he has many clients — both girls and boys — and there are more that need help.

Andrew thinks his respect for girls is due to having a strong mother who raised him and his sister by herself. He sees that he can support girls by speaking honestly with them about their health, showing them that they have great potential, and talking to his friends about how they deal with their girl peers. Andrew is inspirational — he demonstrates how boys are girl champions, too. His mother must be very proud!”

Glimmers of hope abound!  This summer my son and I watched some of the Democratic National Convention together.  There was someone I wanted him to hear. Thinkpeace co-director Liz had met him this summer at the marriage of her close friends Corey and Jason.  Corey Smith, by the way, just happens to be a great role model for boys and men as well!  Afterall, he chose a WOMAN (Liz) to stand up with him as his Best Person! He’s also Senior Manager of Diversity and Inclusion at Best Buy and a Board Member of the Human Rights Campaign.  When I asked Corey what makes him do what he does, he responded with:

“Personally, my driving force is knowing one day everyone will be considered equal, not the same, but equal. In my work at Best Buy and with the Human Rights Campaign, my constant goal is to create relevant ways for people to learn how to move toward acceptance of others.”

He also consciously connects with people, creating a circle of friends who propel him on his journey.  Among them, Zach Wahls.  Zach spoke at the DNC and left me and my son feeling like standing up for equality is a pretty cool thing.

YouTube Preview Image

 

I can’t wait to collaborate with Mark Bertrand, founder of The Giving Circle, Inc. His organization “celebrates community and the concept of one person, one community reaching out to another in a cycle of giving. Through interconnectedness, interdependence, and the expanded power and possibility created by love, support, compassion, and cooperation, they make a difference in the quality of people’s lives.”  The Giving Circle was initially founded in response to Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, and has since expanded its efforts working locally with the underserved in New York.  The rehabilitation efforts in the Gulf Coast continue and internationally (in partnership with a team of Ugandans) The Giving Circle Africa ( NGO) has built an orphanage  and school in Wairaka, Uganda.  It’s an all volunteer non-profit organization with a mission to connect communities in need with those with the resources to help.  Mark actively encourages youth involvement.  He’s a total dude with a supersensitive heart. “It’s not about giving a hand out; it’s about providing a hand up.”   To him that means rolling up the sleeves and placing your hand in the dirt right alongside someone in need.  Awesome! What a role model for boys!

Two men I know are bringing their visions into schools and teaching boys (and girls) that the bottom line is respect and tolerance.  Coach Rich Johns started a program in New York called, Act With Respect Always.

The purpose of Act With Respect Always! is to spread the importance of respect in athletics, academics, and daily life. Through “ambassadors” of respect, person to person, team to team, school to school, and to the community at large–students and athletes will be empowered to be good citizens in all walks of life.  Act With Respect Always gives everyone the opportunity to make the most important statement in today’s society.”

Coach Johns is out there every day, talking to kids from elementary school through college about living life practicing respect towards all.  Important stuff!  And then there is Hiroshi Imase,  co-founder of Feelosopher’s Path, an afterschool enrichment program for kids.  Sensei Hiroshi describes himself with this word:  虚心坦懐(Kyoshintankai).  Kyoshin: Open mind, empty mind, no prejudgement, ready to accept as is.  Tankai: Calmness.  I feel better about humanity just thinking about Kyoshintankai!  Hiroshi believes that the world will live in peace when we use our emotional intelligence for the good of all.  Recently he left his position as Dean of Students and teacher at a middle school for gifted children to start Feelosopher’s Path.  It’s an amazing concept. 

What is a Feelosopher?  A Feelosopher is someone who knows him or herself well enough to connect positively with others. Feelosophers enjoy everyone’s similarities and celebrate everyone’s differences. A Feelosopher focuses on “feeling successful” instead of just “being a success.” Feelosophers are excited for the future, find their passions and explore the unknown with friends.

Hiroshi’s feelosophers value relationships, communicate with others, enjoy diversity, feel compassion, and practice kindness.  They think globally and act positively.  They feel and they think… and they act.  I want to be a feelosopher, and so does my son.  It’s all coming together, do you see it?

It’s taken me all summer to swim around in a pool of positive, forward-thinking, concerned, respectful men and boys to see that we’re on this journey together, not separately.  Yes, girls need lots of encouragement and training to use their voices for change.  They need to be convinced that they will be heard, valued and safe.  Boys and men need to step up to the plate and hit a home run for the girls and women in their lives.  As they round the bases, they need to embrace their abilities to listen, empathize and stand in solidarity with their sisters, mothers and wives. I want to believe we can truly win the World Series, with boys and girls on the same team, humanity’s team.  And men and women in the stands, supporting, nurturing and cheering them on to greatness!   At thinkpeace we often say, “we are all in this together.” It really is “wonderful to walk with arms wide open to catch the wonderful” as Sarah Kay says.  Happily what my son and I have caught is a bunch of involved, passionate, nurturing, dynamic, warrior boys and men who want to join with us on this journey to heal the world and make it a better place for girls, women, boys and men. Thank you to all the boys and men out there helping us hold up our half of the sky.  Through peace, love and understanding, we will get there together.  As together we will think it, create it, and share it. 

 

 

what life is showing you

There’s this sappy song that’s been playing in my head all week that goes like this, “Do you know where you’re going to… do you like the things that life is showing you?”  Most of the time I feel fortunate to have an idea where I’m going to and I feel pretty privileged when I see what life is showing me.  “Do you get what you’re hoping for, when you look behind you there’s no open doors… what are you hoping for, do you know?”  I hope for a world where all girls have a right to an education, choice, safety, health, and opportunity.   I envision a world where women come together as peacemakers and create cohesive communities where all people are valued, counted, and heard.  I hope that fear and ignorance will be replaced by tolerance and acceptance.

Sometimes, though, when I look out into the world, I don’t like what it’s showing me after all.  When I read about the ongoing atrocities around the world, especially against women and children, it’s hard for me to hold onto where I thought I was going to… this work with girls, raising awareness and global sensitivity feels like a mere drop in the bucket at times.  Girls are still being forced into child marriages, poisoned, mutilated, or raped when they try to go to school or stand up for themselves.  Women are still not being valued in many parts of the world.  It’s easy to wonder:  am I making a difference?   When I do not get what I’m hoping for, I look to the kids around me for strength.  I am never disappointed.

A girl refocused me today.  Her name is Hadia.  She’s a 14 year old from Afghanistan.  A year ago she knew where she was going:  to New York to study, learn and become.  The arrangements were made; her bags were packed.  Her visa was denied.  Her dreams were shaken.  And when she looked around her all she saw were closed doors.  Unwilling to stop hoping and stop pursuing her future, Hadia determined to study harder, learn deeper, and become more.  We chatted online today and I found myself completely uplifted and inspired by this young woman and her true grit.

Grit is defined as “perseverance and passion for long-term goals.”  Hadia has this in spades!  Despite living every day with the uncertainty of the future of her country, she carries on.  She walks to school wondering whether or not today might be the last day she will freely do so.  She worries about girls in her country who are being poisoned at their schools by those who believe that girls have no right to an education.  She thinks about the possible return of the Taliban and what that means for girls and women in Afghanistan.  Life is showing her that each day is a golden opportunity that must be seized.  Life is showing her that she must remain strong, focused, and passionate about her goals.

Hadia showed me where I am going.  I am going back to work.  I hear her voice, value her goals, and support her commitment.  She is studying today,  learning about the world, and becoming a global girl.   Thinkpeace Workshop advocates for girls around the world so that all girls have the right to be counted, safe, educated, valued, and healthy.  I’m watching my daughter study for exams, thinking about Hadia, and realizing once again that we are all connected, all in this together, and oh so capable of being the change we wish to see.  Do I know where I’m going to, do I like the things that life is showing me, do I get what I’m hoping for…?  Only if I stay as full of grit as my dear Hadia.

What is life showing you?

you are amazing!

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”― Maya Angelou

There is nothing simple about you.  You have an amazing voice inside you.  You think, you feel, you act, you learn, you care.  You are always absorbing and forever becoming.  The best news is that you always will be!  You are never a finished product.  Each experience you have, every person who touches your life, each lesson you learn will add to who you become.

Recently I have read several books by incredible women who, it just so happens, are still becoming.  Who they are today is so not who they imagined themselves to be when they were 14, 24, or 34.  When Leymah Gwobee (Liberian peace activist, Nobel Peace Prize winner and author of Mighty Be Our Powers) was a teenager, she assumed she would graduate from high school and go right off to college.  Then a horrific war broke out and consumed her country and dashed her dreams.  She reinvented herself in her 20s.  And again in her 30s.  Karen Maezen Miller, author of Hand Wash Cold, was certain that she was headed for corporate success and a life without children.  Once she achieved some success in her field, she realized that something was missing.  Her journey led her to become a Buddhist priest AND a mom!  Despite the changes these women have made in their lives, they are also still the girl with the dream and the young woman with the plan.  What they have in common is that they opened themselves up to becoming.  Who we are today isn’t the end , nor is it really the beginning.

You have already had many experiences that have shaped you.  Tomorrow you will have some that might make you reevaluate parts of yourself.  Next year your world could be rocked by some tragedy or some exposure to a new idea.  Five years from now you will think you have it sorta figured out.  And then you won’t.  It’s all good.  It all is a part of the you that is constantly evolving.  The you that is like no other on the planet.  You are amazing.  Maybe it’s time to start keeping a life journal.

Life journals are never ending places to explore who you are in the present moment, what came before, and what is still to come.  It’s never completed.  You can start and restart it over and over, with months or years in between.  The cool thing is that you’ll be able to keep a sort of running dialog going with your self.  The self you were and the self you are– and maybe it will help you along the way.  Recently I picked up mine from years ago and saw that I’m still struggling with some of the same issues I had back in junior high.  I was frustrated that I’m still coping with these parts of myself…and then I realized something new.  I realized that what I struggle with has also become what I am strengthened by and comforted by.  I have used what I have always thought of as my greatest weakness to become a better friend and a much better parent.  That thing that gnawed at me since childhood has made me create a different life for myself than if I hadn’t acknowledged it.  I love knowing that I am still growing, still becoming.  I wonder who I’ll be, how I will change and how I will stay the same, in ten years.  Wow, I just felt something.  Once again, I feel connected to my 14 year old self.  I like her!

You are a girl.  An interesting, deep, fascinating and unique human being.  Share YOU with yourself and then– with others!  Sarah McLachlan sings, “Life is like a gift they say, wrapped up for you everyday.   Open up and find a way, to give some of your own.” What you have to give is special.  Afterall, you are amazing.

 

who are you, who who?

Without self knowledge, the understanding of the universe remains incomplete. -Deepak Chopra

You probably think you know exactly who you are right now, today.  It’s easy enough to define yourself with labels.  When I was in high school I would have said:  I am a blonde girl.  I am a cheerleader.  I am a good student.  I am sensitive.   I am creative.  I am somebody’s girlfriend.  I am a sister.  I am a daughter.  If you asked me to go deeper I might have said:  I am messy. I am overweight.  I am afraid.  I am confused.  That would have stopped me right there; I wouldn’t have wanted to go any further down that road.  The negative attributes I assigned myself would have made me realize that I preferred to identify myself as a bubbly blonde cheerleader.  That felt better.

The problem with not really knowing ourselves is that until we do, we can’t really understand others.  So how do we get there?  I have to tell you:  it’s hard.  It’s especially hard when you’re trying to fit in.  I was talking to a high school guidance counselor the other day who told me that 9th grade is the hardest year, in her opinion, for girls in high school.  “They so desperately want to fit in somewhere that they will define themselves just to fit the characteristics of a group– so they feel that they belong somewhere.”  The result is that girls will often change who they really are deep inside just to fit this idea of what they should look like, act like, be like… They will suddenly change their hair color or start smoking.  They’ll carry the same tote bag as every other girl in the group and wear the same clothes, no matter how it looks on them.  They’ll get a boyfriend, because everyone has one.  They’ll pick on other kids in the cafeteria, because that’s how to look cool.  They’ll join teams, not because they love the sport, but because it gives them an identity– and an established group.  It’s understandable.  It feels better to belong than to walk alone.

If we stop and ask ourselves, do I want to dress like everyone else…  If we ask ourselves, how did I feel inside when I saw that girl getting teased at lunch and I said nothing to stop it… If we ask ourselves, do I like myself better when I’m in a posse, with a boyfriend, smoking on the corner… what would the answers be?  Where and when in our lives do we get to be our true selves?  How would it feel to JUST BE YOU?

At thinkpeace workshops we often ask girls, what stirs your soul??  Too often we are met with blank stares or hung heads and “I don’t knows”.  We want you to ask yourself questions, constantly.  Are you creative?  Are you a people person?  Do you get absorbed by a good book?  Does performing light a fire in you?  Do you feel outrage at social injustices?  Do you feel lonely sometimes?  Do you love to create masterpieces in the kitchen?  Is a soccer goal the best feeling in the world to you?  Does your pet soothe you and make you giggle?  Does music make you emotional?  Do you want to dress like a hippie or a rebel or super comfy or all blinged out or all of the above?  Do you want to sit at lunch with the kid being picked on?  Are you living the life YOU want to live?  WHO are YOU?  Really, people are like snowflakes:  no two are exactly alike.  So why do we try so hard to BE alike?

The thing is, when you truly know yourself (remembering that you are always a work in progress and always changing!), you’ll see that there is so much to like and that there are things that will frustrate you or make you sad.  None of us are perfect; we are all flawed.  That’s actually what makes us more interesting.   And it’s how we tap into our compassionate selves.  The girl who knows her passions and her goals and what makes her giddy can reach out to another and say, try this!  The girl who knows her sadnesses and anxieties and insecurities can reach out to another and say, you are not alone.  It’s the girl who knows herself who will change the world, because she understands it and sees herself in it.